This essay is intended to help you see yourself and offer a few hard-learned lessons that I believe will make life’s events a little easier to deal with, allowing you to find a tranquility in life and be a happier person overall. The following eight lessons were derived from dissecting personal tragedy and finding something good from it.

At the young age of eleven I started drinking and smoking weed at an early age (11/13).

The summer before I started high school I experimented and became completely infatuated with speed (crank/meth). My problems didn’t end there though, eventually every drug I did became an issue. I was a chronic abuser of everything from pills to cocaine, and as the years folded out these issues grew ten fold.

The first time I realized that I may have entered a point of no return was when I was fifteen. I tried to quit but it just didn’t work out. My failure came for many reasons, primarily…I might not have been ready to quit.

At the time I really felt like an invincible force and there was no compelling reason to stop at the time, at least not in my head. I wanted help, I just didn’t know how to ask. Could I tell my parents? I couldn’t. I just didn’t think they would understand. Our dinner conversations never scratched past the superficial. I felt that they wouldn’t even know who I was anymore.

Eighteen was the year in which I could no longer handle the baggage I threw upon my shoulders.

I had hooked up with a buddy who was at the time, a drug dealer. More importantly he was in good with “Cooks” that were big time. My whole teenage life I had sold drugs but mostly as a connector type of guy; I was the guy who knew the right people. Then all of a sudden I was bumped up in status because I made my rounds with these “big timers” who cooked all the drugs up in back-room labs. Because of my connections I had a seemingly everlasting amount of Crystal Meth.

I smoked ‘rocks’ for breakfast, brunch, lunch and dinner… and for dessert. At my worst I had a two hundred dollar a day habit. Some days more, some days less. I never paid those prices because it came to me on the side for all the deals I was putting together. I was consumed; Not only by the drugs, but with the lifestyle as well. I never had a dime in my pocket but I always had my drugs, and when you’re an addict you don’t sell to make a profit, you sell to smoke and break even. In the streets I could get what I wanted with drugs, so being broke didn’t seem to matter.

I have a saying, “if the drugs don’t kill you the stress will.” At the time both were doing a pretty good job at kicking my ass. I was paranoid about my friends, thinking that they were plotting against me…hating on me. I was paranoid about what my parents thought about me. I was stressed out because undercover cops were watching not only my home, but most of my friends’ houses as well. I played mind games with myself and that was unhealthy. You can deal with problems when they’re out there in front of you but when you delude yourself, it takes a greater resolve to bring yourself back.

I never slept. I could go on with less then 6 hours of sleep per week. I hallucinated vividly because of the sleep deprivation and even hit a point where I would have nightmares awake.

Because I had started young everything happened so gradually that I didn’t connect my hallucinations with the drugs, because no one else I knew had them to the same extent that I did. I got so scared by what I saw that I decided to stop sleeping…indefinitely. I had forced myself to stay awake for twenty-two days before I finally blacked out. My parents and teachers would constantly question me and I told them that I was scared to sleep (failing to mention the drug aspect) which led my parents to believe me mad. I was.

I remember searching my carpet all night just looking for anything that resembled a rock or two. On more than one occasion I accidentally smoked candle wax and even peanut crumbs hoping that they were pieces of crystal meth that had found their way to the carpet. I was a fiend, the very definition of the word. I gave up everything that made me a man in order to indulge in my private roller coaster.

I felt like a dog. Salivating at the sight of a bag of drugs or a smokey pipe.

I remember sitting on my bed one-night exhausted; I was so sick that I could push my top row of teeth forward with my tongue. On this night I was thinking about a comment someone had made to me earlier that week. I was buying a soda from a vending machine when I guy I knew mad a comment on how burnt out I looked (I guess at the time I must have looked a little out of place), I told him I was fine and even told him that I hadn’t slept in a few weeks.
“I haven’t OD’d yet!” I said.

He looked at me with an expression of shock and said, “Art, you don’t have to die to OD”.

It was that line I was thinking about in my head as I sat there in bed alone at two in the morning. And this thought passed my mind, “self, maybe you really did OD…you’ve hit the end of the road and now you’re going to die. You’re going to die with this pipe in your hands…if not tonight then probably tomorrow.” With that thought I cried and put the pipe to my lips.

I knew that I was dying. It was evident with every shallow breath I took. I weighed 122 pounds and had nose bleeds so bad I would wake up with blood soaked pillows. I could tell my time was coming…I spat blood, pissed brown and I could tell it was only a matter of time before my mind snapped into utter madness because I was struggling to hold on to reality as it was already. I was a dead man walking to his own funeral and I knew it. I hated myself for one reason; I knew that I was dying but I could not put that pipe down for the life of me. Sometimes I prayed to God that he would strike me dead so I wouldn’t have to burden my family or myself any longer.

Thank God, He heard my prayers.

It was a Friday when my previous drug councilor escorted me out of a pre-cal exam, toward the admin office. There sat my parents, teary eyed and tired looking.

Apparently my DNA was tested for drugs (they obtained it from a hair sample) and the results came back positive for Methamphetamine, Cocaine and Marijuana. The day I had feared since I was thirteen years old had finally came to pass, and surprisingly it felt good. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my back; No more secrets, they know and they don’t hate me…it was more of a “what do we do next?” sort of attitude.

The Tuesday after that I became an in-patient in a group home for addicted adolescents. That was Tuesday May 9th, 2000. It was there that I was able to take time to sober up and reflect. It was at this point in my life where I applied pressure to the brakes and asked for directions. I have been free from addiction since that day.

In the time since, I’d like to say I’ve lived happily ever after, but that would be an exaggeration. My life has never been easy. I am being continually tested. In the years since I’ve been clean, I have lost a grandfather to cancer, a grandmother to murder, and a few friends to the repercussions of hard living.

But on the other side of the token, I have been infinitely blessed.

For every turn my life has taken, I have taken a lesson from it, and as complicated as life has been, I can’t complain because I’m right here typing away, sharing these things with you in hopes that you’ll find something worthy in my words.

My experiences are my credentials and I would like to talk to you about how to make life easier and subsequently happier, for you. So if I can do it, I believe you can do it as well.

This is a short compilation of the lessons I’ve learned and the lessons I would pass on to you. I feel that I should shed light on the things I’ve learned from life so others don’t have to find out the hard way unless they have to.

Lesson 1: Life can be painful and that’s okay.

We all know that there is pain in life, but it is the hard times in life that challenge us. During times of personal peace it is easy to get along happily, but once times get hard people have a tendency to lose their grip on themselves. Life is often painful, but remember that spring always follows winter, and even though we may concentrate on the bad weather, it is important to remember that it will never stay bad.

One of hardest things to do in life is recognize something good in a bad circumstance/event, but it’s important to try. If anything else, hard times make it easier to handle harder times down the road, and that may not sound positive but sometimes that’s all you get.

Pain is inevitable but it is also important. To shelter yourself from pain is to hide yourself from life. And who wants to spend their short time on earth dodging life? Roll with the punches, you are strong enough to do it and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. You might end up bruised or scarred, but you’ll make it out stronger in the long run.

Lesson 2: You can be bitter or you can get better, but you can’t do both.

It’s all about attitude.

You can walk around fixated on your problems and be bitter and moody but if you do that you’re choosing to spend your time miserable and hating life.

You have the right to be upset, and you have the right to express those feelings but try not to define your life by the all the negativity it spurs.

I know how easy it is to define yourself by your troubles, but I’ll tell you this…there is no problem I ever had that was solved by complaining or fixating on being mad.

Now, there are two types of problems in life, those of which that can be fixed and those which can’t. Problems that can be fixed, fix them and move on. For the situations in life that can’t be undone, let it go. No amount of anger, anxiety or sadness will make a difference.

I know it’s easier said than done…there isn’t a day where I don’t think about my grandmother being brutally murdered and fight back the tears (I’m almost crying writing this sentence…) but in time, learning to recognize the situations in life that are out of your hands will save you heartache and help you on your path to recovering much faster.

You have the choice; “Do I want to be bitter or get better?”

Lesson 3: Don’t try to ‘control’ life

Life is a river and it is going to flow in one direction regardless of what we do or don’t do.

You can try and try to make that river change directions, but you’ll find yourself spending a lot of time trying with no measurable results. You may even decide to go against the grain and paddle yourself upstream but you’ll eventually tire and follow the flow of life regardless .

You’ll find that riding the current is far easier, you’ll find yourself far more able to let go of the BS and move forward again.

So stop trying to fight life and start living it. You are a passenger on train that many have rid before you, you cannot stop the train but you can enjoy the ride.

Lesson 4: Unify yourself

Many of you are comprised of two parts. One is you, the person you are when you are alone; the other ‘you’ is a mask you wear to conform to the ‘real’ world. Unfortunately in many cases these are two completely different beings. Make them one. We all have that “inner voice” the one that we keep in our heads, which is the person that we keep to ourselves. Then there is the “you” that you’ve created, the one you show that person next to you so that they’ll think you’re cool or special. That is the you that says ‘yes’ to somebody even though your “inner voice” is screaming “No!”

There is no need to wear a mask in life. If you are thinking something, that is YOUR thought and there is no need to alter it for the sake of popularity.

People display these “masks” because they do not want to stand out; they want to be accepted so in the process they cheat themselves by just going along with the flow. You were born with everything you need in life to be great, so don’t rob yourself of the opportunity to flourish by keeping the real you incarcerated. You were born into this world alone and when you die, it will be you in that casket, not your co-workers or peers.

It’s perfectly okay to live life in your own self interest. That is not to say, ‘be selfish’. But do things in life that make you happy and propel you spiritually.

Be your inner self; throw the mask away and start getting honest with who you really are. Then get out there and make your mark on this world. There are a million “Average Joe’s” out there and it may be enticing to just blend in and emulate the next guy, but then that is all you’ll be, just an “Average Joe.” Be who you were intended to be. Get rid of the Mask and be somebody.

Lesson 5: Honesty

Take sometime to be honest with yourself. Realize that you have faults and imperfections. If you find you are greedy, addicted (in a general sense, food, sex, drugs or what have you), worrisome etc, realize it and start changing. You can be stubborn and pretend your perfect, but who are you trying to impress?

Do you really think that people expect you to be perfect?

No. We can all strive to be our best, but our best can only be achieved if we recognize areas that need improvement. Somebody once told me to try to be just one percent better everyday and never stop. The key is to actively pursue a better you and to honestly try daily. You can’t just read this and let it go, it has to be a life long dedication and not an idea that you embrace sporadically.

It is extremely important to not only be honest with yourself but others as well. This has tremendous benefits…not only making you morally responsible for your actions but it simplifies your life as well. There is no harder thing to do than to own up to your actions when they are less than stellar…but it gets easier in time.

No more excuses, no more lies, no more stories, just the truth. Be yourself and be responsible for yourself and your actions. Believe me, people can recognize a trustworthy person and it pays to be so. The less you have to lie, the less you have to hide and easier life gets. So let’s get rid of the baggage and start simplifying our lives.

Lesson 6: Tomorrow isn’t promised, so live Today

We are not guaranteed to wake up tomorrow nor is life guaranteed to last the day. So do yourself a favor and stop worrying about tomorrow and stop thinking about yesterday. Yesterday is over and tomorrow isn’t promised. The only sure thing is the present so live your life today.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to start making changes, start now. Tell those you love how you feel today, because they may not be here tomorrow and you may not either. There’s no better time than the present to start the pilgrimage to a better you. All it takes is dedication and effort.

Lesson 7: A Power Greater than Yourself

If you keep doing what you’ve always been doing, then you’ll keep getting what you’ve always been getting. You can’t keep doing the same things and expect different results…that’s not rational.

When I was in Rehab, I had that attitude that most teenagers have, that no one knows better than you do. I felt like Al Capone must have when he was imprisoned in Alcatraz, a VIP being thrown in a chicken coop with mangy chickens! Didn’t they know that I was a CHICKEN HAWK!?

That was my mentality. That mentality changed when a councilor approached me and said, “You think you don’t need anyone’s help and you’re used to making your own decisions because you’re the boss of you right?”

I nodded…

“If all your decisions were made in your best interest, then what are you doing here? Institutionalized, admittedly suicidal and a drug addict. Every decision you’ve made for yourself has ultimately landed you here…are you sure that you’re not willing to be helped…because by yourself, you’ve gotten no where fast.”

Now, I’m not so stubborn that I can’t admit my faults, so when he said this I surrendered. It was the single most impacting thing I’ve ever heard. It was the only thing anybody ever told me that made me humble myself. He was right. I was 18 and nearly burnt my candle already. It was at that point that I knew I couldn’t live life without some sort of guidance or support system. I knew then that if I was to make it, I was going to have to realize that I can’t do it all by myself. At the time I was reluctant to accept the idea of a God, but I knew that there was a power greater than myself and that it was that power in which I would have to turn to at those times when I can’t make it by myself. So whether it’s god or just your own sense of a higher level within you, you have to learn to turn your life over to that force when you find that you are struggling.

In those times when life is really hard and you find yourself dealing with a weight on your shoulders that you can’t seem to shake off, try to close your eyes and surrender it to your Higher Power…say, “Lord, I can’t deal with it so I’m giving it over to you.” It sounds strange I know, but in its own way it has proven to be immeasurably effective.

Narcotics Anonymous has a prayer that fits this idea to a tee, it reads something like this, “God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

If you totally object to the idea’s of a Higher Power and spirituality then it is crucial to embrace a support network of friends and family that you can talk to honestly.

Communication is one of those special gifts in life that really does help in releasing tension and strong emotions.

Lesson 8: Love yourself

These lessons can never be fully realized until you really believe that you are worthy of happiness.

As an addict I struggled for years before I successfully overcame addiction. I was 15 and snorting heroin and knew I was in over my head. I was able to steer off the heroin, but merely substituted that for cocaine and speed. I tried again later for a girl, and was only successful in that I was able to turn a speed and coke problem into a mere speed problem.

Though rehab helped, it has a 90% failure rate and I’ll tell you why. YOU HAVE TO WANT IT. You have to be so desperate for change that you make the journey you’re only priority.

Getting clean was one of the hardest experiences I’ve had to endure. Not because of the addiction to drugs…not using was the easy part. The hard part was the personal responsibility to yourself. NO ONE was going to get clean for me. This meant that I had to stop making excuses, get out of my comfort zone and tackle life alone.

Bottom line, I couldn’t start living until I loved myself enough to start from scratch. It was extremely hard but nothing this amazing comes easy. Happiness doesn’t come from anywhere else but within, so please love yourself enough to search yourself and dig deep.

God Bless,

Arthur Rodriguez

Arthur E. Rodriguez, 17